So this BA contacted me online where I was promoting myself on an online dating site. He was charming, telling me I looked angelic. Good start. I emailed back thanking him. From there it progressed to texting and well, holy mother of god, it seemed like we had lots in common. Our conversation was very easy and typical, ok, maybe not typical for me but what I would assume “normal” people talk about. What your favorite things are, etc, etc. Then the topic turned a little more typical for me. He asked me a few pointed sexual questions. But this go around for online dating I had decided to play it pretty cool. I said that I like certain things but only sometimes. I said that I really don’t know what to like and expect from people until I meet them. Our texting and conversation went on for 5 hours straight. 5 HOURS! But wow, yep, we were going to get along. We made plans to meet in a local coffee shop the next day because safety first right!
The next day arrived and as I was getting ready, I texted him to make sure we were still on. He said definitely and then suggested that I could meet him at the certain coffee shop or we could watch a movie at his house. I said that I really needed a coffee and he told me he had a Keurig. So I figured, what harm….why not? What’s the worst that could happen? BA and I were getting along famously. There was my first mistake.
So I received directions to BA’s house and said I would be there within the hour. Now, this is the middle of the afternoon. Pretty safe. But another new safety thing that I decided on was to text my good friend his name, phone number and now his address. I told her when I was going and my expected time that I would be home. She told me to have fun and I assured her that I would.
I pulled up to BA’s house and he had warned me that his house was a mess as he was building a garage and anything that was in his old garage was in his house. I assured him I wasn’t there to see his mess and knocked on the door. Well, his pictures didn’t lie. He looked the same as his pictures, although not quite completely but not horrible. So I had coffee. The conversation was fine. We started to watch a movie. He put the moves on me and I didn’t stop him. When he suggested we go upstairs where it would be more comfortable, I followed.
Well this is where it went to shit. I will not post all the details but just know that I now know that he truly earned the name BA as he doesn’t quite understand that “No” and “Stop” mean exactly that. I got out of his house eventually. Got into my car, locked the doors and drove around the corner. Texted my friend telling her that I was on my way home and would never be seeing him again and that I would tell her all about it tomorrow at work.
I drove home, in shock. Showered to get rid of him. Made supper. Talked to my daughter. Went to a high school tour that night. Went to work the next day.
I truly didn’t understand how much BA affected me until about a week later, when I couldn’t sleep. I would fall asleep and then wake up an hour later, obviously with a nightmare, sitting straight up in bed not being able to breathe. This lack of sleep started effecting me at work….makes for a long 12 hour shift! I spoke with my supervisor and my friend and finally sat down and reported my rape and BA to the police. It was the hardest thing I did. I knew I had to but holy crap. I kept wondering if I did the right thing. The nightmares got worse. I was doubting myself. Did I lead him on? Did I ask for it? But I did say stop, that doesn’t give him the right. But what can be done? I didn’t go to the hospital, I didn’t get DNA taken.
Since then, I have an ongoing investigation happening and I finally figured out a way to get 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which may not seem like much but my god it feels like heaven to me.
So….then my question….will it kill me or make me stronger? The jury is still out. It really does feel like it is going to kill me but I know I have family and friends that will help me through it and as each day goes on and I realize that he was the one in the wrong, I know it will make me stronger. I may still have to confront him, whether in a court or not but by then, I will be stronger. Unfortunately, he did change me. I am now a bit more of a bitch. I don’t trust as easily. Will I date again? Not for a long time, that’s for sure. The online profile came down. I know I am pushing a few friends away even though I try not to.
So stronger I am. BA can go f*ck himself. =)
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