Realizations

It is strange and scary when realizations hit.  Usually they come out of the blue and hit you in the back of the head with the open hand you really need.
In the past few weeks I have been hit hard, hard enough my head hurts, with some realizations.

1. No matter what I think of myself, others have different opinions.  I don’t put my actual personality out there for the world to see.  When I have in the past, I get quizzical looks, people wondering WTF.  Truth be told I don’t want people to know the true me.  That is something I have felt in the past that I could hide.  Be the actress.  Be someone everyone likes.  Some people have seen glimpses.  If you are reading this and are saying “Oh, I have seen the true April” or “Oh yes, I know what she is all about”…sorry to burst your bubble but chances are you don’t.  Even my closest friends or family haven’t seen the true me.  Will I ever let the true me come out, maybe but then maybe I will lose a lot of the people I know and love in my life.  Better to keep them than be myself?  Probably not but I don’t always like myself, so why would others.
2. I need to do something.  Anything.  Haven’t figured out what yet.  I need something that will make me happy.  I have tried retail therapy only to find an empty bank account.  I have tried running only to find a pulled hamstring.  I have tried painting only to realize that I am an ok but not great painter.  I have tried writing, meh.  I have tried keeping my house spotless only to find that I like it “lived” in.  I have tried laying around doing nothing only to find it makes me more tired.  I have tried working my ass off only to find that I find myself daydreaming of doing anything but that.  I guess I keep searching until I find something that keeps me occupied.
3. Not everyone is good for me.  I may be good for them but they are not good for me.
4. I am hoping I can get back to the silver lining in situations kind of girl.  Since Feb 9^th I have realized that someone can take everything away from you and not even know it.  I have been in situations before that I thought I would never claw my way out of.  The death of my daughter for instance.  How does someone actually survive that without going insane?  I still don’t know how I did it.  But when this last kick at April happened, he took so much from me I am still just realizing it.  I have lost my confidence, my trust in people, my sunshiny outlook on life.  Today is a beautiful day out and I should be out walking or running and seeing if there are signs of Spring out there, like I do every year.  Instead I sit inside with my computer because the thought of going out terrifies me. 
5. I hate men.  Almost all men.  There are very few to that exception right now.  He took that away.  He looked so normal, acted so normal and when the transformation took place, he ended the trust that I felt that I could put in men.  I was out about a month after, meeting with a friend, where there happened to be another guy there that I had never met before.  I have never been so rude and obnoxious to another human being when he tried to put the “moves” on me.  Turns out he must like bitches because even though I didn’t give him my number he keeps asking about me.  He can kiss my hand, hold open doors, look me straight in the eye when talking to me and listening, really listening to me….but fuck him.  He is just another asshole making my life complicated.  I don’t need that.  Don’t get me wrong, do I still want to be swept off my feet and have someone actually WANT to do things with me, WANT to learn what I like and love about life, WANT to be near me, WANT to hear what I have to say, WANT to make me happy…sure….don’t we all? 
6. I have realized that sleep is essential.  Since Feb 9^th, I have not been sleeping.  Oh sure 4 hours in a night sometimes sounds like enough but when those nights are few and far between and then the nights in between get about 1-2 hours, those 4 hours do not recharge a battery.  My doctor put me on sleeping pills that my pharmacist warned me are highly addictive and I should maybe take them for 1-2 nights then stop for a few nights then if needed start again.  Last night was my first full 8 hours of sleep, uninterrupted.  I awoke with a smile….very rare lately.  For the first time in a long time, I hopped out of bed, had a shower, all while singing at the top of my lungs…and happy songs, not my “angry” playlist.  And yet, as happy as I was, I let myself get down and once again am looking out my window at the beautiful day instead of going out and enjoying it.

On Thursday I go to see a psychiatrist to try to work out some of my problems.  Will she help? I am skeptical but going in with an open mind.  If nothing else, laying it all out will bring it all up again and I will spend more time indoors.  Might not be a bad thing, my floors can use the scrubbing.