What the Fudge!

You would think I would learn but no.  I have this strange obsession obviously, which my therapist tells me she will help me get over.  I feel the need to lie to myself, put myself down, let others do the same (and think it is love for me) and ignore the best advice I get from friends.

Going to a therapist has made me face somethings, although I still don't admit it all.  I do not have self-love and therefore don't expect someone to treat me with respect, which I deserve.  Then I get upset when they don't.  Crazy.  I look back at my life and what has "happened" to me.  I have always blamed someone but I really have to get my head out of my ass if I am going to move forward.  Come on, really April!  You portray a confident, self-loving, strong woman when really you are completely the opposite.  OK, not completely and baby you've come a long way even in just the past month.  

I thought strong meant hiding the pain, not crying, not dealing with my emotions.  I had to be strong for everyone else.  If I broke down, everyone else would too.  That won't do.  It's hard to admit but damn it, I need to cry, to scream, to hit something!  I have such pent up emotions that when they start to come out, I not only scare the crap out of myself but others around me.  They haven't seen me like this!  Where is this coming from?  Did they do something?  Did I lose my mind?  Do they need to call in the men with the white jacket?  My realization?  My next relationship will know that I do need to cry sometimes, I do need to scream and yep, I do need to hit something.  I will show that my life isn't always rainbows and lollipops, as much as I would like it to be.  I will still look for that silver lining and will still laugh and smile but I will lose it some days and some days I will feel like sitting inside, probably in bed and just be with me.

Self-loving?  Really?  Me?  Ha!  How can I kid myself like that?  All my life, I have hated something about the way I look.  And god forbid someone compliments me.  I have to stop myself from turning around to see who they are really talking to.  I am getting better.  I really am.  I have beautiful eyes, I have a beautiful smile with naturally straight teeth.  I like that I am adventurous with my hair.  I have my own strange style in clothing.....I like what I like.  I realize that I LOVE perfume and now have a little harem of bottles on my dresser.  I like being tall and will wear heels to be taller.  I have the cutest ears.  Even though I have skis for feet, they are pretty nice looking as far as feet go.  I have amazing legs for not working them out.  And my god, do I have boobs.  All natural and what a lot of women pay good money for.  

And Self-loving just ties into the confidence.  As I was typing the above paragraph, I was smiling, sitting a little taller and feeling a little better about myself. 

So, I get to the latest quote I have come across  which is below.  Life is like an arrow.  Up until now, my life has had difficulties and I have allowed them to bring me down, to let others bring me down.  To all those that have....WATCH OUT!  The string of the bow has been pulled taught and is now being let go.  This arrow is going to fly into the future and hit her target amongst the stars.