What's a girl to think?

I am a pretty easy going person.  At least that's what I thought until recently.  Some revelations have hit me like a brick wall.  They have made me look inside of me and really think.  I apologize to anyone in my life, past or present that I have hurt, looked sideways at, fucked over, pissed off or am pissing off.  I also realize how many absolutely amazing girlfriends I have.  I thank them all for their amazing insight, being able to see inside of me, the true me and still loving me, even though I haven't been able to see it myself and have sabotaged myself.  You guys have stuck by me.  Something so many others wouldn't have.  You proved to me that your friendship is worth something and I can only hope that I give back the same amount of love and understanding that you have all provided me.

Today is the start of a new journey.  Up until know, I have let people, mostly men, walk all over me, treat me like garbage or even meat.  I thought that there would be no way that anyone would like the true me, so why wouldn't I let them look at me that way.  Why wouldn't I let myself be abused or talked down to?  Don't ever deny them anything!  They may hate you!  Well no more.

To anyone out there in the blogisphere, you are worth everything to someone, you will find that someone and if not right away, love yourself.  It has taken me a long time to figure that out but I have a lot more years to live and love and I plan on doing just that.  Find someone that will accept you completely! =)

Once When I was Little

Cheating?

What a week!

Wow!  Time can fly and can crawl at the same time.

This past Tuesday (due to the holiday on Monday) I started training for a new position within the organization that I work for.  I knew it would be a lot of information but holy hell.  I am training with a second person, which makes it difficult as we both learn at different paces and with different techniques.  It has been awhile since I have been on an emotional roller coaster like this one.  So much that I wanted to quit....as you may have read in my last post.

The week ended well, with me less stressed.  I feel like I got most of what I wanted accomplished this weekend, including relaxing.

And for the crawling part?  I can't believe I have only made it through one out of the six weeks of training!

It seems weird only having two days off and now back to work.  I got so used to working shift work (2 days, 2 nights) and having 4 days off!

So tomorrow morning, hi ho hi ho, it's off to work I go.  Right after work, I have a meeting for an organization that I volunteer for and then off to boxing right after that.  Home by 8:30pm, most likely exhausted and ready to fall into bed.

=) Have a fantabulous Monday!!!

Great cover

Watch "Sandi Thom- November Rain ( Guns N Roses Cover)" on YouTube

Starting over

My time is precious!

Be happy

Now that would be interesting....

Don't you just LOVE your friends?

Today was the first day of training for my new position.  I started the day with optimism.  True happiness.  The first time in 100 days (see my 100 day post for more info on that ;)) have I really felt happy.

My training starts almost an hour later than my normal shift, therefore I got to sleep in an extra hour...wow, heaven!  But holy hell, who would have thought traffic was that bad an hour later than normal.  So, not that I was running late but in my mind, it was nip and tuck!  Then a quick run in the rain, made it to work!

The morning was crazy.  So much information thrown at me all at once, my head was spinning.  I wasn't keeping things straight and I thought I was a goner.  Especially since the other person training seemed to be flying through it.

By noon, I was almost in tears.  I took my lunch bag upstairs, couldn't eat lunch due to the fact that I was sure I was going to throw up and sat down to text my friends.

Thank god for friends!  They lifted me up and told me everything I know about myself but seem to forget.  That I am amazing and will do amazing.  To breath deeply.  To do my thing.  That I am a superstar.  To stay positive.  To ignore the negativity.    To not stress.    That I am smart.  That their money is on my in the long run!  And that to be overwhelmed on the first day is an excellent sign that I will enjoy the challenge of the job in the weeks to come.  That anything you master on the first day, I am sure to be bored with it by the next week.

After that, I was able to pick myself up, go back to work and the afternoon went much better.  I kept my positivity up and ended the day on a positive note.  And even though as I walked back to my car,  my umbrella caught the wind, snapped and cut open my hand.

Just keep smiling =)  Friends can get you through everything.   They remind you of who you are and who you can be.  Those are true friends.  I am so thankful for my friends....each and every one of them.

100 days

What can happen in 100 days?
Nothing and everything.

100 days ago was the incident date. 
The day that changed me and my outlook on life. 
Made me scared of my own shadow. 
The day that made me not trust men, to look at them in a different light.
The day that made me cringe in fear when someone touches my neck, my wrists, my mouth, my hair.
The day that made me scared to walk down by the river alone.
The day that took away my silver lining outlook on life.

100 days was on Saturday.
I thought there would be more happening on my 100 days but instead, I worked my ass off.  I spent the day mostly alone, thinking.  Sitting on a tractor seat, tilling the soil, mowing the grass.  Wielding an axe, cutting down trees and hauling out dead fall.  Taking a chainsaw to the wood and then burning it.
I have never had so much satisfaction.

So, 100 days....
100 days has given me my sanity back.  I am happy.  Right now, truly happy.  I will have my ups and downs and there will still be triggers and set backs.  But they will be few and far between because he is not going to get me down.  He is not going to take my life away.  Even though it is raining right now and looks like all week, the sun is shining in me.  The first time in 100 days, the sun is truly shining and I am smiling.

Have a sunshiny day!

Don't empty today's strength

The smallest things...

Chasing the wrong things?

Today is important!

In love?

Don't be afraid

Happy Ending?

Let the sun shine :)

:)

Happy mothers day!
Beautiful start to the day...








Beautiful green grass....

Campfire roaring....

Fire roasted campfire hotdogs....

Me and my Mommy on Mother's Day :)

And me and my beautiful daughter on Mother's Day :)

What do you strive for?

Don't quit

Waiting game

I am once again waiting for an appointment. And it got me wondering, what if appointments were like the Hunger Games?

There would have to be two different places for appointments because I just wouldn't be able to justify killing off the elderly, it would be like killing my grandparents, not cool.

So, I have just eliminated only two out of the 16 waiting. Some are middle age and would have skills but I have youth on my side. I bet half of us are fasting so we are weaker.

It is now I notice footwear. Beautiful day out, so lots of sandles, and heels. Really people its Saturday!

So now I have narrowed it down to me and about three. Depending on skills, I can take two, the last one looks wiley. He will be the one I have to fight at the end at the cornucopia, dressed in camo, sneaking up behind me.


Oh and look, he left due to the long wait.....sucker!

Damn, now serving 48....my number is 61....sigh....

Be yourself!

Saskatoon Silver Spoon Dinner

Shannon Tweed and Gene Simmons, one table away from me :)

Love my friends!

Thank you to my wonderful friends at work for my fabulous birthday presents! Two of my favorite things!

Morning Coffee

Morning coffee has never looked so good!

Lunch?

Video: Lioness wants to eat baby http://metronews.ca/news/world/139028/video-lioness-wants-to-snack-on-baby/

Funny Commercials

Love these commercials lately...
Say NO to Crack, say Yes to Roller Skating
The Schticky
Maxwell the Pig - Street Luge
Maxwell the Pig - Zip Line

Lindi Ortega

My sister-in-law put me onto this great artist.  Check her out!  http://lindiortega.ca/

Happy Birthday!

**Not sure why this didn't post yesterday....but....oh well!"

Yep, celebrating my birthday today! Very proud to be 37 years young. So much has happened in my life so far and now that I am really looking into myself, I realize that my life has been ok. I can't say great yet but I will. I have an amazing daughter, fantastic friends and a wonderful family.
Today, I started the day with a bubble bath, breakfast out, now getting a new look with my amazing friend and hair stylist, Sonya, then to relax before the martinis and tequila flow :)
I will update with a photo of the new hair later!

Rainy Day

Another rainy day in Saskatoon.  I hear so many people complaining about how they wish it was sunny and hot, not the rainy dreary weather we are experiencing.  I actually had a comment yesterday that it sucks that it is raining on your birthday.  Little did they know, I enjoy the rain.
Sure the sun is nice but nothing beats a couple of days of rain.  I don't mean torrential downpours but a nice steady light rain.  It washes away the dust and grime of the world and puts on a nice shiny look on everything.  The grass and leaves are greener, the cars are cleaner and the birds sing their hearts out.
I love the sound of the rain on the window of my bedroom when I know I don't have to get out of bed yet.  Or the soothing sound of the rain on a metal roof.  And especially walking in the rain and listening to the sound on your umbrella.
Now, this all being said, yes, a warmer rain would be nice right now because I can't really warm up.  But in a few days when the grass is growing and the sun shines on this new looking world of Saskatoon, everyone will be thankful for the rain.
A quick quote that was on a sign outside of a school...."Rain is God's way of washing away the dirt of our world".

Really!?!

First I arrive at my appointment this morning to find out they mis-booked me and had to be re-booked. Fine. Now I show up and my appointment, wait for 15 minutes and then a lady walks in and starts showing everyone pics of Cancun. Another 10 minutes to wait...wtf

Photo Feature: Cherry Blossoms http://t.co/ouvcngm4 -- Instagram (@instagram)

The benefits of honey

50 Health Benefits of Honey

Happy =)

Is there anything better than:

Laying in bed, knowing you don’t have to get up yet, being able to just stretch and then curl up again, listening to the sounds of the house?

Enjoying a cup of coffee in bed? Ok, maybe if a hot man was serving it up for me!

Knowing your day will be great? Lunch with my dad, massage later….

Looking forward to something? Date night with my daughter tomorrow night =)

The ability to lay in bed, enjoy your coffee, blog and know that you still have at least an hour before you get up and start your day….bliss =)

Enjoy your day!

Watch "Drunk Makeup Tutorial" on YouTube

Green Cruiser =)

Looks like spring to me!

What the Fudge!

You would think I would learn but no.  I have this strange obsession obviously, which my therapist tells me she will help me get over.  I feel the need to lie to myself, put myself down, let others do the same (and think it is love for me) and ignore the best advice I get from friends.

Going to a therapist has made me face somethings, although I still don't admit it all.  I do not have self-love and therefore don't expect someone to treat me with respect, which I deserve.  Then I get upset when they don't.  Crazy.  I look back at my life and what has "happened" to me.  I have always blamed someone but I really have to get my head out of my ass if I am going to move forward.  Come on, really April!  You portray a confident, self-loving, strong woman when really you are completely the opposite.  OK, not completely and baby you've come a long way even in just the past month.  

I thought strong meant hiding the pain, not crying, not dealing with my emotions.  I had to be strong for everyone else.  If I broke down, everyone else would too.  That won't do.  It's hard to admit but damn it, I need to cry, to scream, to hit something!  I have such pent up emotions that when they start to come out, I not only scare the crap out of myself but others around me.  They haven't seen me like this!  Where is this coming from?  Did they do something?  Did I lose my mind?  Do they need to call in the men with the white jacket?  My realization?  My next relationship will know that I do need to cry sometimes, I do need to scream and yep, I do need to hit something.  I will show that my life isn't always rainbows and lollipops, as much as I would like it to be.  I will still look for that silver lining and will still laugh and smile but I will lose it some days and some days I will feel like sitting inside, probably in bed and just be with me.

Self-loving?  Really?  Me?  Ha!  How can I kid myself like that?  All my life, I have hated something about the way I look.  And god forbid someone compliments me.  I have to stop myself from turning around to see who they are really talking to.  I am getting better.  I really am.  I have beautiful eyes, I have a beautiful smile with naturally straight teeth.  I like that I am adventurous with my hair.  I have my own strange style in clothing.....I like what I like.  I realize that I LOVE perfume and now have a little harem of bottles on my dresser.  I like being tall and will wear heels to be taller.  I have the cutest ears.  Even though I have skis for feet, they are pretty nice looking as far as feet go.  I have amazing legs for not working them out.  And my god, do I have boobs.  All natural and what a lot of women pay good money for.  

And Self-loving just ties into the confidence.  As I was typing the above paragraph, I was smiling, sitting a little taller and feeling a little better about myself. 

So, I get to the latest quote I have come across  which is below.  Life is like an arrow.  Up until now, my life has had difficulties and I have allowed them to bring me down, to let others bring me down.  To all those that have....WATCH OUT!  The string of the bow has been pulled taught and is now being let go.  This arrow is going to fly into the future and hit her target amongst the stars.

Powerful quote

After a while you learn… | Goodmorning & Goodnight

Great ideas to make life simpler

Smart tips to make life easier

The waiting game

There is nothing that annoys me like waiting for appointments. I make sure I show up on time, the least you can do is try and get me in on time. Yes it is different if I show up 15 minutes early. Or if I am at a doctors office and they are running a bit behind. But apologize. That's all it takes.
Now...this being said. I currently sit and wait for my oil change. My appointment was for 10. I was here 5 minutes early. I checked in and handed over my keys.  I have drank a cup of free coffee. It is now 10:10 and my car is still outside.
Yes...I am at the dealership. Why you ask when an oil change takes 10 minutes elsewhere? Because I have 4 free oil changes.
How long will it take? Hopefully before my next appointment at 3 :)
***UPDATE***
45 minutes later I left my appointment.  The service centre was friendly, coffee was hot and I got a free car wash.

Moody

Why did my mood go from sunshiney to gray?
Outside is a beautiful day, full of heat, sunshine and hope.
But I can't face it today.  I want to curl up in my bed.  I started a painting and it so far is gray.  I have been accomplishing things around the house which is encouraging.
Is it because this is my last day off?  Possibly.
Is it because my therapist told me I had to start a journal and I don't want to because that means writing about things I don't want to face yet?  Possibly.
Is it because I don't know what the near future holds for me?  More than likely.

Creative Genius??

I have recently taken up painting...am I any good?  Meh, but I love it!!

Heimlich Maneuver

Last night, sitting around the kitchen table with friends, a topic came up in the strangest way.  I am going to try and do this story justice and hope it doesn’t end up being one of those stories that at the end you have to say “Guess you had to be there but it was really funny”.  Now, that being said, this was a bring tears to my eyes funny, stomach laugh so hard that I felt like I had worked out my abs for hours funny…..
It all started when W made a comment about me drinking water, while everyone else was enjoying a bevy and that I better not nurse my water too much unless I was worried about drowning.
The conversation then turned to dying.  Or more specifically, would you want someone to give you mouth to mouth, if it was your friend and especially if you are a guy and your friend is a guy.  Laughter began as the guys began demonstrating and explaining different hand signals.  If they are choking or dying but are still putting their hand over their mouth, or even their forearm, this means “get the f*ck away from me, I would rather die than have you kiss me”.  This was the general consensus from the two of them.  Don’t come near me Bro…I don’t want your ugly mug being the last thing I see if I am leaving this earth.  I, personally would like to live and would be thankful…but these are guys we are talking about.
From this point, R mentions that he has had to do the “Hymen” maneuver twice in his life.  I looked over to see if he was joking.  He was dead serious.  But instead of saying “Don’t you mean the Heimlich maneuver?”, I had to keep this one going.  So this is how it went from there:
April:  “the Hymen maneuver huh?”
R:  with a complete poker face, “yeah, had to perform it twice in my life.”
April: “Only twice huh?”
Now at this point W and I realize that R has no clue of the word mix up and we start howling.  R laughs along but you know the laugh, the “you guys are laughing so I will too even though I have no clue what’s so funny” laugh.
R:  “Yep, twice.  Once there was a piece of chicken and it flew into a salad and once it ruined a supper.”
A: ” I can imagine it would ruin a supper.  And salad probably flew everywhere”.
As I am egging this story on, I have tears running down my face, W can’t control himself, almost falling off of his chair.
It was then that R caught on and in all honesty, I can’t quite remember how.  I think we let him in on it, but this joke went on for hours after and still today.  I think the best part of it was the blank look that R had on his face.  He truly didn’t realize what we were laughing at.  It was one of those “should have had a video camera” moments.
So you tell me….a “Have to be there” kinda of funny or is it still funny reading it.  Because as I am typing it, I am still laughing!

Hello out there!

Wow….does life ever get in the way of blogging!  Or it could be spring….I love getting out, throwing on some tunes and either walking to my hearts content or driving with the windows down!  I have been on a real rock kick lately and here are some of my new favorite songs to blast!  Enjoy!
Finger Eleven - Whatever doesn't kill me
Seether - Tonight
Our Lady Peace - Clumsy
Coldplay - Paradise

Any others that I should take a listen to and add to my playlist???

Night Out

Well, I did it.  I ventured out into a crowded bar last night, filled with drunks, men and rude women.  I went with two amazing friends who helped me through the anxiety attacks that continued to happen.  Every time someone bumped into me, walked past and ran their hand around my back to make sure I didn’t back into them.  A few times I held onto the table for dear life as I felt the room closing in.  A few tequila shots helped calm the nerves, plus I thought it would be a great idea to not wear my glasses or contacts.  Everyone could just be a big blur.  Did it work?  Yes and no.  It did get to me that I couldn’t focus on peoples faces but then again, every guy there looked like an asshole to me.  No matter how cute or ugly or nice or mean looking they were…they all had a hidden agenda.  Even ran into a guy from my past online dating experience who led me on.  Well, maybe not led me on but we connected and his communication was sporadic at best and then told me that I was too clingy and was obviously looking for something more than he was.  Yep, I was looking for more than a roll in the hay.
Great thing about last night was that I looked great and I knew it and I didn’t give a shit what others thought.  Am I moving onward and upward?  Not yet.  My evil twin came out last night.  Her name is Phoebe.  She is a great mask to be behind.  I feel that I can be a bitch when I am with her.  April came crashing through a few times and finally broke out at the end of the night which was a great and pleasant surprise.  It allowed me to actually (kinda) dance and talk to someone that I had never met before who turned out to be pretty surprising.  Huh!  Who woulda thunk it!

Realizations

It is strange and scary when realizations hit.  Usually they come out of the blue and hit you in the back of the head with the open hand you really need.
In the past few weeks I have been hit hard, hard enough my head hurts, with some realizations.

1. No matter what I think of myself, others have different opinions.  I don’t put my actual personality out there for the world to see.  When I have in the past, I get quizzical looks, people wondering WTF.  Truth be told I don’t want people to know the true me.  That is something I have felt in the past that I could hide.  Be the actress.  Be someone everyone likes.  Some people have seen glimpses.  If you are reading this and are saying “Oh, I have seen the true April” or “Oh yes, I know what she is all about”…sorry to burst your bubble but chances are you don’t.  Even my closest friends or family haven’t seen the true me.  Will I ever let the true me come out, maybe but then maybe I will lose a lot of the people I know and love in my life.  Better to keep them than be myself?  Probably not but I don’t always like myself, so why would others.
2. I need to do something.  Anything.  Haven’t figured out what yet.  I need something that will make me happy.  I have tried retail therapy only to find an empty bank account.  I have tried running only to find a pulled hamstring.  I have tried painting only to realize that I am an ok but not great painter.  I have tried writing, meh.  I have tried keeping my house spotless only to find that I like it “lived” in.  I have tried laying around doing nothing only to find it makes me more tired.  I have tried working my ass off only to find that I find myself daydreaming of doing anything but that.  I guess I keep searching until I find something that keeps me occupied.
3. Not everyone is good for me.  I may be good for them but they are not good for me.
4. I am hoping I can get back to the silver lining in situations kind of girl.  Since Feb 9^th I have realized that someone can take everything away from you and not even know it.  I have been in situations before that I thought I would never claw my way out of.  The death of my daughter for instance.  How does someone actually survive that without going insane?  I still don’t know how I did it.  But when this last kick at April happened, he took so much from me I am still just realizing it.  I have lost my confidence, my trust in people, my sunshiny outlook on life.  Today is a beautiful day out and I should be out walking or running and seeing if there are signs of Spring out there, like I do every year.  Instead I sit inside with my computer because the thought of going out terrifies me. 
5. I hate men.  Almost all men.  There are very few to that exception right now.  He took that away.  He looked so normal, acted so normal and when the transformation took place, he ended the trust that I felt that I could put in men.  I was out about a month after, meeting with a friend, where there happened to be another guy there that I had never met before.  I have never been so rude and obnoxious to another human being when he tried to put the “moves” on me.  Turns out he must like bitches because even though I didn’t give him my number he keeps asking about me.  He can kiss my hand, hold open doors, look me straight in the eye when talking to me and listening, really listening to me….but fuck him.  He is just another asshole making my life complicated.  I don’t need that.  Don’t get me wrong, do I still want to be swept off my feet and have someone actually WANT to do things with me, WANT to learn what I like and love about life, WANT to be near me, WANT to hear what I have to say, WANT to make me happy…sure….don’t we all? 
6. I have realized that sleep is essential.  Since Feb 9^th, I have not been sleeping.  Oh sure 4 hours in a night sometimes sounds like enough but when those nights are few and far between and then the nights in between get about 1-2 hours, those 4 hours do not recharge a battery.  My doctor put me on sleeping pills that my pharmacist warned me are highly addictive and I should maybe take them for 1-2 nights then stop for a few nights then if needed start again.  Last night was my first full 8 hours of sleep, uninterrupted.  I awoke with a smile….very rare lately.  For the first time in a long time, I hopped out of bed, had a shower, all while singing at the top of my lungs…and happy songs, not my “angry” playlist.  And yet, as happy as I was, I let myself get down and once again am looking out my window at the beautiful day instead of going out and enjoying it.

On Thursday I go to see a psychiatrist to try to work out some of my problems.  Will she help? I am skeptical but going in with an open mind.  If nothing else, laying it all out will bring it all up again and I will spend more time indoors.  Might not be a bad thing, my floors can use the scrubbing.

To all those people....

To all those people who have made this mistake....

More and Less

Dream More…. I guess it depends on how I look at this.  I need to dream less so that I can get some sleep.  Since the rape, I have not been sleeping and when I do, a nightmare wakes me up.  But on the other hand after the rape, my dreams have shattered.  I have dreams for my daughter but have to re-approved my dreams.
Complain Less…. Ok…so as per the above post, shitty things happen in life…I need to start looking for the silver lining again and stop complaining.
  Listen More….  I need to listen to my family and friends more.  They have all listened to me so much lately and now I need to turn the tables.
Love More….  This one will be tough for me as I am having a hard time trusting but I will love beautiful things instead of new people.
Argue Less….  I need to argue less with people in my life.  I know they know where it is coming from…between the lack of sleep and the stress in my life, I have a lot of anger..
  Hope More….  I sure can always hope that I can hope more.
Fear Less….  Soon I will be able to fear less.  Not look over my shoulder.  Not flinch when someone touches me.
Relax More….  Well, I can try.  Today I did a bit….slept in, laid on the couch, napped (thanks W!!), then realized how much I had to do, so I came home, made cinnamon buns, prepped supper, prepped lunch for tomorrow, have 2 loads of laundry done, vacuumed, checked out Facebook, checked out Pinterest and now blogging….well, so much for relaxing!
Worry Less….  Same as fear less.
Believe More….  I have to start believing in people again.  Believing in the beauty of everything again.
Doubt Less….  I have to stop doubting other peoples intentions.  They love me and they understand a lot more than I give them credit for.
Play More….  Once I start getting out more, I will play more.  I will start running again.  I will go out and play with Ash.  I will go out and enjoy this beautiful world.
Work Less….  I am working hard on this…ha ha.
This poster made me think a lot of my life lately.  I will try to follow it a little bit more. =)

Keep Calm and Call Mom

Mom, what will I ever do without you!  You are my best friend!  I know we don’t always see eye to eye but we laugh, we cry and I know I can tell you anything.
You have always been there for me.  It is unfortunate that when I really lean on you is when the worst is happening to me.
You weren’t there when I was in the hospital with a broken arm….and look what happened!  The girl beside me got my favorite food and I got crap! =)
You were there when I came home with my boyfriend from the North and in no uncertain terms told me how bad he was for me.  I wish I would have listened.
You were there when I got my gallbladder out and got me out of bed and across that hall so I could go home with you that night.
You were there to plan my first wedding, even though I didn’t like everything you had to say.
You were there to drive me to the hospital in labour, garbage bags and all.
You were there when I had to bury my daughter and try not to kill my outlaws that day.
You were there for me after my first divorce.
You helped me move out of my house and put all my possessions in your basement.
You were there for me when I told you I had to leave the boyfriend and didn’t know how.
You were there to move me from one apartment to another.
You were there when I told you I was getting married….again….
You were there when I told you that I was leaving that marriage.
You were there when I told you I was raped…and you didn’t roll your eyes and tell me I told you so.
You have always been there for me.  I love you so much.  And I love that I can always count on you!